Nightmare
by bookman-junior
Summary: Lavi centric...I know that in my heart, this person is very important to me even if I can’t see his face or any of his features. Because if it was just another random person, would I be crying so miserably here?


Advanced author's notes: I tried to make this a little sad but I'm not sure if I did it correctly. I'll leave it for you to decide. Hope you enjoy!

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I am not certain whether I am dreaming or wrapped in an illusion caused by my own mind. Everything around me looked and felt so real, yet at the same time, all of it seems like a mirage. I can't distinguish which things really exist or not.

As I walk down this deserted path, I take time to look at my surroundings. Everywhere I lay my eye upon, all I see was destruction. I could tell that this place that I am threading upon was once a prosperous city filled with bountiful resources and perhaps, just perhaps, it also housed hundreds of happy families that lived harmoniously with each other. But all that was left now were rubbles of that proud city. Its dwellers were now mere corpses that lay seemingly on every available space in this forlorn land. Some of the carcasses were brutally crushed under the heavy rubbles to the point that you can't tell that they were once living beings, some were strewn about that it seemed that they had been blown away before they even met their death and some were mercilessly mutilated that you can't even begin to try and guess which body part goes with another.

_Corpses and blood._

That was all that covered the whole area. The atmosphere felt heavy because of the blood of both animals and humans alike. The rotting smell of the corpses was almost suffocating me. I don't think that anyone could have survived this cruel fate that had befallen on this pitiful place. It wasn't only the men that were killed but also the old people, women, children and even infants were all violently murdered. Not even one had been spared. This was the picture of a massacre filled with lust for bloodshed. However, this was not all of it. What I am portraying is but a small fragment of the real suffering and pain that had come to pass.

But even as I saw this, I was completely unfazed. You might think I'm heartless because of what I had said, but, honestly speaking, I think you might be right. Ever since I took the oath as Bookman's heir, I had already discarded all of my humanity. My name, my emotions, and my heart- I gave up everything to walk this lone path.

_A Bookman has no need for a heart._

Its meaning is very simple to understand. Although, I think normal people will consider this a very difficult task. I'm not one of those normal people. That's why I have found it extremely easy to do. But….once I set foot in the Black Order as "Lavi", everything changed. I was only supposed to be acting….I was only supposed to watch….Nothing else. But…..I couldn't prevent myself from being attached to those people. Allen, Yuu, Lenalee, and everyone else, I can't stop myself from caring for them. It……It scared me…I didn't know…when I actually stopped my act. My smiles that were only supposed to be a mask, started to become genuine.

I shook my head to stop any further thoughts that threatened to surface. I continued to walk aimlessly around this world that I am currently on. As to why I'm having this dream, I know not. Maybe it was my inner turmoil that was causing this. But I don't really have a single clue.

Once again, I was pulled from my thoughts. But this time, it wasn't I that did it. What got my attention was a small muffled sound. It sounds like that whatever or whoever was making that tiny noise was quite nearby. I started to follow the sound out of curiosity and at the same time in wonder of how could anything survive the massacre I saw with my own eye.

Slowly, as I moved on forward, the sound grew louder and louder; I then identified it as a crying voice of a young, petite child. I have yet to see this child but….something about the voice….seems awfully familiar. My strides became hastier as I became sure where the source of the sobbing was. Behind a large debris, I found the crying child kneeling and trembling helplessly.

What I saw greatly surprised me. Dare I say that I was extremely shocked? The cause of my shock was this child. This child….that was crying so helplessly…was no other than me. I cannot say what I am currently feeling. Is this dream actually a part of my memory or is it simply a dream that conveys my hidden emotions? I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion….I don't understand what was happening at all.

I then noticed that the younger me was kneeling in front of someone. But even though there is only a little distance between me and that person, I cannot see his face. I wasn't even sure if the person was a male or female so I will just refer to that person as a male. The fact that I cannot see the features of the prone person only added up to my confusion. Then the younger me spoke in an unsure, shaky voice that can barely be heard.

"Please…..I-I…I don't want to be left alone…Please don't leave me….I-I'm scared…Please…" My younger self begged. His voice was filled with so much anguish that shouldn't be possessed by someone as young as he was. It gave my heart a painful twinge despite the years I've spent training as a Bookman. He clutched the person's arm desperately as if he'll die if he let go. The unknown person didn't have the strength to speak anymore; he just looked at the boy and with all the strength he had left, he lifted up one of his hands and placed it gently on top of the crying boy's head as if trying to say "It's alright, I won't leave you." But I was well aware that it was a lie. And I also knew that my other self, the small child, was also aware of that.

Who was this person? Why was I, the younger me, crying? I don't understand at all. Everything is just so confusing. I don't know this person, right? But….why do I feel this pain in my chest? It hurts…Could it possibly be…that this person was someone close to my heart?

I placed my attention on the dying person again, but I still cannot see his features. I saw his hand start to weaken then it just went limp. The child already knew what had happened and he clutched the person's arm even harder. His only visible eye was overflowing with fresh tears as he looked at the person that I assumed was someone very close. Violent tremors wracked the boy's frame as he desperately tried to bottle up his emotions. He was biting his lower lip to stop himself from making any sound and he was clenching his fists so hard that it was turning white. Despite his efforts in suppressing his grief, the child let out a sorrowful cry that was filled with so much sadness and pain that if you heard it, your heart might be broken and it is possible that tears will also fall from your eyes.

Suddenly, the rain started to descend on us as though the heavens above shared the boy's deep suffering. Even though I was raised to be the next Bookman, I couldn't help but feel sorrow myself. I can't understand why I was feeling that way. The feeling of losing someone…The feeling the other me was experiencing right now….I didn't know why I was feeling it, too….

I tried to touch the child, but I had no idea whether it was to comfort the child or just to confirm his existence. But instead of touching the weeping boy, I ended up touching nothing but thin air. I tried again but it only had the same result as my first try. Could it be that I am only a phantom here? It is the most logical explanation I could think of right now. But, then again, why was the rain clinging to me?

I was taken slightly aback when I felt something warm run down my cheek. I covered my face from the rain then I tried to touch my face and was surprised at what I had touched. It couldn't be…..Tears…? Why…? I have no reason to grieve as well, right? So, why was I?

The answer registered in my mind quite quickly and I felt foolish for not realizing it any sooner. The child, who was a part of me, was actually only showing me what I truly felt deep inside the locked chambers of my heart. That was one thing that I had a conclusion of. But, who was this person…? This person that I feel so strongly for…? I….I can't tell who it was…!

I only continued to stand quietly behind the child and the faceless person, at loss at what I was supposed to do next. I clutched at the fabric over my heart even though I knew that the gesture can do nothing to soothe the ache that I felt. The other me, the young lad, was still trembling uncontrollably, trying to stifle his whimpers even though there was no one to watch him except me. He just sobbed there quietly without anyone to neither reassure him nor comfort him. I understood that pain very well because the both of us are the same person, after all.

I just allowed my tears to fall freely as I looked up at the crying sky. A swarm of emotions run through me like a storm. I would have given some examples but I think there was just too many to enumerate all of them and I wasn't even sure which ones were what I am feeling right now.

This weather….The rain…it almost looked like it was trying to wash away all of the suffering that had gone through here…But, it was quite futile. The rain might be able to clean the blood that was painted on the ground and the walls but it can never heal the scars that were left behind. That was my conclusion. I returned my gaze to the grieving boy and this is what I thought….

I know that in my heart, this person is very important to me even if I can't see his face or any of his features. Because if it was just another random person, would I be crying so miserably here?

But whoever this person may be……I could only wish that the day never comes when I have to grieve for his death…..

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Author's Note: I actually got the idea for this fic from the dream I had the other day (9/10/07). . So…uhhh…did you like it or did you hate it? Or was it not angsty/emo enough? Was it OOC? Please feel free to comment! Constructive criticisms are also welcome! I'll really appreciate it! Thank you for reading! 


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